I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
