I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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