I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
