I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
