just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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