maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
