I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Randomize
