Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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