porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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