I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
