I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
