exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
