someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
