Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
