Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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