He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
