she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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