u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You took a bar mat shot.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
