my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
