Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
