I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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