I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
