so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
