I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
