So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
