I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
vagina is talking i cant
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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