Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
