I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
