I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
