just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
