This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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