nut hugger
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
