I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
