I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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