My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
