I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
