if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We left the knife in your bed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
