No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
