I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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