last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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