I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
