Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
