Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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