This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
