Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
