Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
