but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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