you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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