he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
