I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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